The Top 20 Reasons Cats Don’t Pursue Higher Education
By Jenny Kalahar
At this time of year, many high school graduates and their parents are touring campuses and college towns, examining budgets, searching for apartments or houses, or looking at dorm rooms. I was wondering why we don’t see a lot of cats attending their own universities, which led me to extensive research on the subject. Here’s a list I compiled after dozens of interviews with young adult cats across the country.
The top 20 reasons cats don’t pursue higher education
- Student loans. Banks don’t take kitty castles as collateral.
- Cats generally don’t look good in mortarboards.
- The job market is down for white-fur collar positions.
- Not enough hazing allowed.
- Most employment opportunities for cats don’t require a degree.
- That awful cafeteria food.
- No napping allowed during classes.
- Lack of good afternoon sun in most classrooms.
- Preference for apprenticeship.
- No one wants to be the first cat to fall asleep at a frat party.
- Everyone wants the top bunk.
- They don’t want to pick up bad habits like binge drinking milk and random caterwauling on street corners.
- Too hard to maintain an antisocial life on a crowded campus.
- Textbook prices!
- Many cats who enroll in computer science classes are disappointed to find out that computer mice are not, in fact, chase-able. Neither are computer bugs, for that matter.
- The professors don’t accept reports and essays if there are little chew marks on the page corners.
- That awful cafeteria food. Seriously.
- Not enough trees on the quad.
- That dreadful tendency of girl cats to go to their first class in pajamas and with un-brushed fur.
- Not enough night classes.
To all of you human students, I wish you good luck, good studies, and a great education! And if your dorm or apartment building has a mascot cat or two in residence, please don’t ask them to make sure you’re up on time in the morning. After all, if they wanted to get up early for classes they’d be off at Cat College themselves.
Jenny Kalahar, her husband Patrick, and their pets live in Indiana where she sells used and rare books and writes novels and poetry. Her two novels about fostering cats are Shelve Under C: A Tale of Used Books and Cats, and The Find of a Lifetime: Another Tale of Used Books and Cats. Her collection of nostalgic and humorous poetry is One Mile North of Normal and Other Poems. For more, visit her blog, Bookselling and Writing with Weegee.
More from Jenny:
Weegee and the Magical Squirrels
Waiting for the Fair
The Age of Aquariums
Tagged cats, College, Humor, Jenny Kalahar