In my comic novel RED HOT PROPERTY, Talisman the prissy, pampered Australian Shepherd has a very gay Christmas. Her person, Valentino, is a flamboyant gay real estate agent whose professional motto is The Queen of Real Estate. Val’s mother, Margo, is an actress known as The Drama Queen. Talisman herself is A Beauty Queen. So, at their holiday party Talisman joins Val and Margo in a musical rendition of We Three Queens, a delightful take on the classic Christmas carol We Three Kings. Her perfectly timed howls are priceless. For the performance Val dresses up in a snazzy purple suit, and Talisman wears a festive neck scarf that reads, “I Have Visions of a Sugar Plum Fairy.” Did I mention that it is a very gay Christmas?
I wanted to find out how other people’s pets celebrated their holidays, so put out a request to my animal-loving friends on Facebook.
My friend Christie Lanza’s mini-dachshund, Abby the weiner dog, was gifted with a hot dog toy to go with her hot dog outfit:
Sandi Adkins Sartin’s Chihuahua, Bandit, received a costume to make him look like a football for Superbowl weekend. Here he is in costume, taking fierce charge of the TV remote control in anticipation of the big game:
Santa brought my friend JB Ramos’s dog Murphy a plate of fake dog food:
(Photo unavailable due to the fact that Murphy immediately buried the “food.”)
I have to wonder what these dogs thought of their Christmas presents.
So, I did an informal survey about what gifts pets really wanted, but didn’t receive.
An overwhelming response came from neutered dogs and cats who would have liked a pair of Neuticles, testicular implants designed to return them to a semblance their natural, masculine selves.
Another popularly requested item was Mattel’s Puppy Tweets, an electronic dog tag that sends countless tweets via a Twitter feed to a dog’s person all day long, informing him or her of the dog’s every thought and action. What kind of pithy tweets does this device send the unsuspecting person? The ultimate guilt card seemed to be a puppy favorite: “I bark because I miss you. There I said it. Now hurry home.” The general consensus among dogs was that it would be a satisfying way to get even with their people for spending inordinate amounts of time participating in Internet social networking. They really don’t like being ignored in favor of Twitter and Facebook.
So, there you have it: the good, the bad, and the funny of our pets’ holiday season. And some ideas for your pets’ holiday stockings next year.
Copyright © 2011 by Devin O’Branagan
Thanks to all my fabulous Facebook friends who provide me so much inspiration. And special thanks to Christie Lanza and Sandi Adkins Sartin for permission to use the photos of their wonderful dogs.
Devin O’Branagan is the author of the RED HOT novels, a hilarious chick-lit series, and the legend of GLORY, a young adult vampire series. Devin is crazy passionate about animals and her books abound with marvelous four-legged characters. Devin is a member of the Dog Writers Association of America, and lives in Colorado.